Revealed: The 60 Year Single Ban Finally Uplifted By Tibetan Radio Station

It has been revealed that a tibetan radio station has apparently held a 60 year ban against The Beatles’ smash-hit single ‘Hey Jude’, due to a misunderstanding after translating the world famous track. It was rumoured that the radio station were worried after believing the song was written about a depressed and lonely German Jew - hence the title (according to their dodgy translation) ‘Hey Jew’.

At the time the Tibetan radio station had seen this as a major insult by The Beatles, believing their song to be completely racist and ill-timed. This came some 20 years after the end of the second world war, so it is unclear how they can base their story on the song being written about a war-stricken jewish person.

However, the Tibetan radio station have now realised their 60 year long mistake, and will begin playing the Beatles track on next mondays show - on which the Dalai Lama is set to be a special guest, where he will be plugging his latest DVD release; Debt Management with the Dalai Lama.

The CIA Set To Create Top Secret Facebook Group

Rumours have been circulating that the CIA are set to open up a brand new, completely secure and unique communications tool which is believed to bring the UK to the top of the charts in terms of technological and communication developments - they will be opening up a brand new facebook group.

The claims have upset some Ministry Of Defence officials, who claim that the operations and identities of the CIA may be under jeopardy, and that lives will be at risk if they go ahead with the planned facebook group. Apparently these outcries have fallen on deaf CIA ears, as from of our own research it appears that the top-secret CIA group has already been created on the website.

The CIA will now perform all operations and communications directly on their own personal facebook group, and from reading the group notes it appears as if there next target is going to be what is referred to on the group-page as “operation doherty”. This is believed to be a drugs-raid on troubled Babysham singer Pete Doherty, who is apparently going to be taken hostage and transported to an opium-poppy field in China, where he can continue his drugs-binge in peace whilst away from the public eye. It has been predicted that crime in London will fall by %17 when Doherty is finally deported.

New Race Of Naked Human Beings Discovered By Local Fisherman

It has been claimed that a new race of human beings have been uncovered, living in the ice-cold Swiss glacier of Aletsch, deep in the Alps. The discovery was made by Captain Birdseye whilst out on his fishing boat “The Fishy Finger”.

“I was out on my boat heading back to the bay when I saw what looked like a pair of buttocks” said the shocked fisherman. “I went a little closer to investigate and thats when I saw another set, and then another. Suddenly I was surrounded by buttocks - and thats when I realised I had found some kind of weird group of people, completely naked and raving on a glacier”.

It is believed that the new race of humans will be named “Burdseighfingherz” after their discoverer, the legendary Captain Birdseye (couldn’t name them Birdseye due to copyright infringement from Iceland foods supermarket). Apparently these people don’t agree with wearing clothing because it traps their souls and by being naked it allows all evil spirits to escape - despite the minus 30 degrees temparatures and constant bear attacks.

It has been suggested that this new race of people could be partly to blame for the melting of the ice caps, due to their constant raves and lack of clothing (they continuosly give off bodyheat when naked which helps to melt the glaciers). The American government is now on stand-by to dispatch navy seals to help eliminate this threat to the global environment, though its unsure if seals will be able to communicate effictively with the new race (and that seals come under constant attack from various predators). As a back-up plan a pidgeon is currently being trained to fly to the glaciers with a message attached to its beak, though they are unsure if the new race are able to understand the English language.

Sheffield United Set For Legal Action Against “The Man That Reads Out The Football Scores”

Sheffield United football club are now considering legal action against the man that reads out the football scores at the end of the day on BBC 1, due to the fact that he acknowledged Carlos Tevez’ goal for West Ham against Man Utd when that player should have been ineligible,by reading out that the final score was 1-0 to West Ham.
According to our unnamed source Sheffield United believe that the man that reads out the football scores should have remained silent throughout the 30 minute live television broadcast, as a kind of silent protest in favour of Sheffield United. Or that he should have declared that match void due to Carlos Tevez playing, or that West Ham will be docked points for fielding the ineligible player.
Meanwhile it has been rumoured that ex-Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock has been spotted in the Sheffield Job Center, along with best friend and famous actor Sean Bean.

Bestselling Author Stephen King Accused Of Vandalism By Bookstore

Legendary book author Stephen King has reportedly been seen having what one witness described as “some kind of mental-breakdown” at the Alice Springs book store, Australia. Best selling author King was seen strolling around the book store, pushing other customers out of the way whilst shouting “I AM THE KING!”. He was then seen to search the store for his latest novel, Lisey’s Story, and proceeded to graffitti the pages throughout the book, rendering the books completely worthless. On closer inspection of some of the vandalised King books it appears that the troubled American author simply scribbled out every visible page number throughout the book, replacing them with other random numbers (17,21,6,67 etc) just to confuse readers.

This latest act of vandalism comes after a series of other threatening and violent acts, one of which includes throwing copies of bestselling books “The Shining” and “Misery” (hardback editions) at random passers-by in King’s hometown of Portland, Maine.
Stephen King is now reportedly set to be given an ASBO for his unruly behaviour, and has been banned from all (27) bookstores in Australia.

Taxi Driver Apparently To Blame For Latest Stock Market Crash

As briefly mentioned in our last post, the Stock Markets have been crashing; causing panic all around the world with still no signs that the market is ever going to pick up and regain the sort of prices that were being recorded just a few days ago.

The crisis was apparently caused by a crash on Wall Street around a week ago, when according to local witnesses (a dog walker and a hairy man on a bike) they saw a taxi drive into the back of a brand new Mercedes CLK class. The taxi-driver was then seen to make a quick getaway, leaving the scene of the crime - causing the Wall Street crash which is believed to be the main catalyst of the current troubles on the Stock Market.

Stock Market investors have apparently pulled together to put up a lowly $14 reward for the head of the taxi driver, who was last spotted driving towards Mexico. Unfortunately the reward was believed to be in the $100,000 region before the Stock Market crash took place.

Google Panicking Over Results Of Upcoming Page Rank Update

Search Engine market leaders Google are apparently sweating about the results of the upcoming Page Rank update, with rumours from the Internet marketplace suggesting that they could be set for a major drop which could see them falling down as far as to Page Rank 4.
No-one is quite sure about the cause of the major Page Rank drop, but some people believe that it could be related to the current stock-market crash which seems to be causing chaos amongst people throughout the world.Google have apparently started to feverishly write articles about search engine optimisation, submitting these to PR5 article directories in the hope of some positive free backlinks. Google have also been seen approaching penis-enlargement and drug pharmacutical websites in a last-ditch attempt to exchange links with their soon-to-be-lowly-page-rank-4 search engine website. Meanwhile Google legend Matt Cutts is considering offering his autograph to webmasters in exchange for a free post on any blog that is currently indexed by the Google search engine.

It still remains to be seen whether Google will drop down as far as Page Rank 4, the word coming from the Internet SEO specialists is that Google will only drop to Page Rank 5 but this is only if Google fix their current glitch - which sees a picture of the Dalai Lama appear every time someone searches for Microsoft owner Bill Gates.